1. The Wine Song

Lyrics and Music: :© Grant Baynham
Edited for American audiences by Mike Agranoff

Note: This song as originally penned by Mr. Baynam is in the speech of his native Northern England. It would have come out of my mouth sounding somewhat artificial had I tried to use precicely his wording. I Americanized it some in my rendition, but the lyrics below are as he sings (and spells) them.

Lead vocal, guitar, and percussion: Mike Agranoff
Harmony vocals: Pat & Ken Rolston
Bass clarinet: Eric Mumford
Drums: Joe D'Andrea

1.
There are those who like their wine because it adds sophistication to that hearty meal they're serving to their friends.
And there are those who like their wine because it helps in the creation of that party feel on which so much depends.
And there are those who'd like their wine to come from eastward-facing chateaux on the plateaux of Lorraine and all that bunk.
But their motives are not mine, and I like lots and lots of wine, and I like it 'cos it makes me drunk.

2.
There are those who take a glass because it helps them to relax. They find it helps their social manner to improve.
Well, that's a jolly useful scheme which I have taken to its logical extreme: I sometimes get so well-relaxed I can't move.
And there's another kind of fellow. Drinks champagne to make him mellow, and he swears by Cliquot, Bollinger and Brut.
Well, I tried some Brut meself. I found it on the bathroom shelf. And he was right: it got me mellow as a newt.

Ch.
You can judge your wine by the quality of the vine, or its colour or bouquet or all that junk.
But it all comes back to the falling over factor, and the fact that it gets you drunk.

3.
There are those who like to think that it's important what you drink. They haven't got an inkling what it's all about.
They spent their evenings wasting decent drinking time by tasting drops of this and that, then spitting it all out.
They pass along the tables. Strewth, they even read the labels, muttering things like, "What a shame. The cork has shrunk!"
Or "fruity nose" or "too much tannin", when they ought to get a man in who appreciates the chance to get drunk.

4.
They waste their time describing what they ought to be imbibing, which is wine of course, although you'd never think it.
'Cos they use words like "Young but promising ". "Precocious," "Full of fun"; You'd have thought they were going to adopt the stuff, not drink it.
And at a meal these silly asses have a row of empty glasses. A different wine with every dish they eat.
Me, I mix whatever's handy in a stiff, all-purpose shandy which goes very nice with fish or Shredded Wheat.

Ch.
You can judge your wine by the quality of the vine, or its colour, or bouquet or all that junk.
But it all comes back to the falling over factor, and the fact that it gets you drunk.

5. And there are those who take delight pronouncing all the labels right. They roll their r's and do those German glottals.
Me, I couldn't give a monkey's 'cos the stuff for getting drunk is on the inside, not the outside of the bottles.
So if you have a cheese and wine invite your friendly Philistine. Call me drunkard, call me sot, or call me wino. (What do I know?)
You'll find me in the kitchen I'll be gigglin' and twitchin', having a sup and throwing up across your lino*.

Ch.
You can judge your wine by the quality of the vine, or its colour, or bouquet, if you insist…
But it all comes back to the falling over factor, and the fact that it gets you misty-eyed and mellow,
Gets you Maudlin, mawkish, miserable and pissed.**

* "lino" = linoleum
** "pissed" = British slang for "drunk"